WORST MOVIES EVER: First Edition (By Dexter Lynch)

WORST MOVIES EVER

By Dexter Lynch

Welcome to the first edition of “Worst Movies Ever”. I’m your benevolent (or should I say malevolent) host, Dexter Lynch. You can find me on Twitter @sonofsamloomis (shameless plug).

I don’t know when the next edition will be posted. Probably when I have more free time, which is almost never. But this first entry comes right in time for Halloween. So without any further ado, I’ll be giving you the rundown on some of the worst movies ever, starting with the horror genre. I’ll keep this short, sweet, and to the point. And if you don’t want to take my word for it, track some of these duds down and judge for yourself.

Iced (1988): Chances are you’ve never heard of this one. And if that’s the case, consider yourself lucky. It’s basically a soap opera masquerading as a slasher film. The plot is senseless, the characters are unsympathetic. And it has one of the most ridiculous ending I’ve ever seen in a horror movie, and I’m including the end of Christmas Evil. Watch a real horror movie instead of this tripe. Or if the soap opera element intrigues you, just go and watch Days of our Lives (is that show still on the air?)

The Forest (1982): This is an incoherent mess of a film featuring terrible acting and a mediocre score. Seriously, the scariest thing about this movie is the acting. And the death scenes leave a lot to be desired. Not to mention that the whole ghost children subplot is utterly absurd and feels completely out of place. Avoid this film like a case of the clap.

Night of the Demon (1980): Not to be confused with Night of the Demons (1988). A solid horror score was wasted on this otherwise banal, unremarkable take on the Bigfoot legend. Poor special effects, unconvincing Bigfoot makeup, continuity errors galore; this film has all the red flags of a bad horror movie. My favorite lapse in continuity was the doctor whose face was practically burned off, but when the authorities question him in the hospital, the top half of his face is okay while the rest is hidden under a white sheet. And since when does Bigfoot use an ax or a butcher knife? He’s freaking Bigfoot for crying out loud! The only decent special effect was the “ax through the skull” bit.

A Blade in the Dark (1983): This title falls under the giallo subgenre. The only positive thing I can say about this film is that it has an excellent horror score. The film itself is a tedious, uneventful slasher. Poor effects, little blood, virtually no gore. The slow, plodding story drags out in a futile attempt to create suspense. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t succeed in creating suspense. Avoid this film like your ex.

Psycho Cop (1989): The first Psycho Chop makes a huge mistake by taking itself too seriously. The sequel, Psycho Cop Returns didn’t have that same problem. It knew exactly what it was and it had a lot of fun with that, infusing bloody carnage with over-the-top humor and awful one liners that you can’t help but chuckle at. That’s sadly not the case with the original Psycho Cop. The story follows serial killing cop/devil worshiper Joe Vickers AKA Gary Henley AKA Ted Warnicky. The acting is atrocious to say the very least, and the kills are uninspired. It could’ve been a fun, likable popcorn flick. Instead it was a routine slasher that shares none of the positive qualities of similar titles like Maniac Cop. Don’t watch it unless you’re a glutton for punishment.

BELOW THE SURFACE

Genre: Horror

BELOW THE SURFACE

By Randy Romero (Randy Benivegna)

Monday, October 7^th.

Redfield, New York.

Frank Burke was enjoying his first beer of the evening when in walked Darby Wilkinson, or Wilks as the guys called him down at the plant. He offered to buy Frank a beer, and Frank was never one to turn down a free drink. He was surprised his liver was still going after all these years.

Ridgewood Tavern was virtually empty, but Frank knew the place would be packed by eight o’clock for Monday night football. Ridgewood was Frank’s favorite spot in town. He stopped in every night for a few drinks after his shift.

Frank and Darby worked together at the Redfield Chemical Plant. It wasn’t a dream job for either man, but it paid the bills. But there were always rumors surrounding the plant, and questions that Frank and Darby never dared to ask their superiors.

“How you been, Frank?”

“I can’t complain. How’s the family?”

“Great. Nadine and I are doing well. And we just celebrated Devin’s tenth birthday.”

“They grow up so fast. Well, wish the kid a happy birthday for me, will ya?”

“Sure thing. Hey, did you hear about Crackerjack?” Darby said. Jack Halsey, disparagingly referred to by the guys at the plant as Crackerjack, had worked with Frank and Darby for a period of time. Then he quit to work for the county.

Frank couldn’t remember who started it, but one of their co-workers referred to Halsey as Crackerjack, and the nickname stuck due to his questionable mental state. Halsey was a nice enough guy, but anybody who talked to him could tell he had a few loose screws.

“No, what about Halsey?”

“Kicked the bucket. Heart attack.”

“Poor bastard.”

“I wonder if it had anything to do with his little breakdown,” Darby said.

“What do you know about that?” Frank asked.

“Not much. I heard he wigged out at work a month before he died. Why, you know something about it?”

“Only what Halsey told me.”

“And what did he tell you?”

Frank took a big sip of his beer and shook his head. “You wouldn’t even believe me if I told you. I sure as shit didn’t believe him.”

“Tell me anyway. This I’ve got to hear.”

“Well, keep in mind this is Crackerjack Halsey we’re talking about here. But apparently the county was having him repair a busted sewage pipe. The sewers underground here are just a bunch of interconnected tunnels. Very easy to get lost down there if you don’t know the way. Well, according to him, he saw something at the end of one of those tunnels.

Came out looking white as a ghost. That’s when he quit. He wouldn’t talk about it at first. Then one day he told me. I was sitting right here and he came in for a drink, sat down next to me, and he whispered it to me. Said he saw a giant spider, as big as a Great Dane, he claimed. He said it was sitting in a tarp-sized web with raccoons and possums and other tiny animals all wrapped up tightly in silk thread. Said it looked up at him with eight giant eyes and hissed before he ran like the wind.”

“Sounds like something Crackerjack would say.”

“The story itself didn’t scare me. What scared me is how much Halsey seemed to believe it. I mean, who knows what’s really down there, below the surface. And I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors regarding the plant?”

“I try to keep my eyes and ears to myself at work.”

“The Redfield Plant has been accused of dumping chemicals in the past. I know it sounds crazy, but what if they’ve been dumping chemicals into the sewer? And what would happen if something was exposed to that toxic waste?”

“So you’re starting to believe Halsey’s giant spider story?”

“I know one thing, they haven’t sent anybody down into the sewer since Halsey. I’ve got a buddy who works for the county. He says nobody will go down there. And I’m telling you, they’re hiding something from us at the plant. What if they’ve really been dumping chemicals down there like some people say?”

“Giant mutated spiders,” Darby laughed and polished off his beer. Then a hideous thought began to dawn on him.

“Oh, God no…”

“What? What is it?”

“My son wanted a baby alligator. He had it for a few weeks. I told him it died when he was at school one day. But it didn’t really die. My wife was pissed at me for buying it. She didn’t want it in the house. She made me flush it down the toilet…”

THE ELEVATOR

Genre: Horror

THE ELEVATOR

By Randy Romero

Carol Abrams took a deep, arduous breath as the elevator doors shimmied open. She stepped in slowly, warily, and exhaled another deep sigh as the elevator doors closed with a light thud.

Carol suffered from an extreme case of claustrophobia. But when you live on the thirty-third floor of a forty floor apartment building, you learn to combat that fear.

It sure beats taking the stairs.

She continued taking deep, laborious breaths as the elevator descended. Its mechanical hum sounded like a power drill in Carol’s skull.

Trapped. That’s how she felt. Confined inside a steel box that had haunted her since she was a little girl. The intense anxiety was enough to make her heart race. She could feel her throat starting to tighten up. She needed to get out of this steel contraption ASAP.

She took soft, weak breaths as it became more and more difficult to breathe. She started silently counting all the floors she had left. Seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen, thirteen…

The elevator finally reached the ground floor, stopped. But the doors refused to open.

She jabbed the first floor button several times with her index finger.

The doors didn’t open and the elevator resumed moving, traveling down to the basement level. But it didn’t stop there.

She pounded against the doors, frantically mashed all the buttons with her palms. Screamed for help until her throat was coarse. The air felt thin all around her. She pressed the emergency stop button which was unresponsive.

“This isn’t possible,” she cried. “This can’t be happening.”

But the elevator seemed to disagree as it continued its subterranean descent.

After what felt like an eternity to Carol, the elevator came to a sudden stop. The doors slid open and she peered out into the darkness.

A thick raspy voice, like the sound of glass on a chalkboard, greeted her.

“Who are you?” she said, trembling.

“Oh, I have many names…Lucifer, Satan…But I’ve always loved the Prince of Darkness.”

“This isn’t happening…it’s not real…I’m just having a really bad dream.”

“I’m afraid you’re not dreaming. You died Carol. Car accident just a few days ago. And now, you’re here. This is your reward for your sins. Everyone’s hell is different and you are now trapped in your own private hell. Forced to take that terrifying descent over and over. You will spend eternity trapped inside that box.”

“I don’t belong here,” Carol said. “This is a mistake. It’s all a big mistake. If I’m really dead, then I belong in Heaven.”

“There’s no mistake. Have you forgotten about your mother, Carol? Your ailing mother who depended on you for every little thing. You grew sick and tired of waiting on her hand and foot. A little untraceable poison in her soup was all it took. What did you call it to make yourself feel better? A mercy killing? I think that’s the phrase you used to justify it to yourself. I think your mother would have disagreed.”

The elevator doors started to close.

“Wait!” Carol cried out.

“Going up,” the Prince of Darkness said and waved goodbye with one red, clawed hand.

The doors banged shut and the elevator began to ascend.

VOODOO

Genre: Horror

VOODOO

By Randy Romero

Billy Kincaid was huffing and puffing the entire hike. He stopped periodically to rest against a tree while he hacked up a lung. Smokers cough. That’s what his doctor called it. The same doctor who’d been urging him to quit for months. But Billy was stubborn and refused to give up the habit.

Kristen Kincaid was ahead of him every step of their hike. Billy’s body wasn’t cut out for this. Worse than the struggle to breathe was the throbbing, aching sensation in both of his knees. He was practically falling apart.

“Come on smoky,” Kristen said. “Try and keep up.”

“I wish you wouldn’t call me that,” he groaned.

They came to an incline in the trail which led to the top of a tall hill.

“Let’s take a break,” he said, breathing laboriously.

He found a log at the bottom of a hill and sat to catch his breath. Kristen rested her backpack against the log, opened it up, and dug out her Nikon digital camera.

“I’m going to run up the hill and get a few photos.”

“Have fun with that,” he said and waved her away.

He stretched his sore legs, accidentally kicking Kristen’s backpack. The bag tipped over, its contents spilling out.

Among the items in her backpack, Billy spotted a strange looking doll. He reached over and picked it up. It eerily resembled him. The likeness was uncanny. Two pins had been jammed into its knees. And two identical pins had been hammered into the torso, right about where his lungs would be.

He examined it and accidentally put too much pressure on the back with his thumbs, causing him to wince as a bolt of pain shot down his spine. He dropped it into the dirt, and another shock wave of pain surged through his body.

The pain was so intense, he failed to notice Kristen’s return.  She picked up the doll and dusted it off. “Neat, huh? This was worth every penny.” She drove two fingers into the abdomen, splintering his ribs. He fell to the ground, thrashing in pain.

“I know you’ve been sleeping with your secretary. Did you think I wouldn’t find out? A wife always knows. As soon as I found out, I started thinking of all these different revenge fantasies. I thought about getting a gun and shooting you in your sleep. I thought about smothering you with a pillow or poisoning you. But in the end I settled for old fashioned voodoo.”

He tried to pick himself up and lunge at her, but she bent one of the legs and he felt his own leg snap. He crashed to the dirt, his screams echoing through the vast trails. She took the other leg and snapped it, and Billy felt his bones shatter.

She ended his suffering by ramming a final pin into the doll, right about where Billy’s heart would be. He died instantly. Kristen tucked the doll in her backpack and started walking the same way they had come. She would dispose of the doll eventually, right after she reported her husband as missing…

SLASHER

Genre: Horror

SLASHER

By Randy Romero

…Reports of a grisly murder, as a woman’s body was discovered just outside of Ravensville, Pennsylvania earlier this morning. We have learned that the victim is a young female between the ages of 25 and 30, though the police are refusing to release her name until they notify her next of kin. This comes just after the bodies of several other young women were discovered in an abandoned steel mill–

Jane clicked the radio off in a hurry. She couldn’t stand to listen to another word. It was nauseating. The papers and the news channels were calling the killer the Ravensville Slasher. The killer sliced and diced his victims, carved their bodies up like Thanksgiving turkeys.

Ravensville used to be a save place. Used to be.

The phone rang in the kitchen. Jane was one of the few people who still had a landline. She put her coffee mug down on the kitchen counter and walked over to the phone, picked it up from its cradle and twirled the cord around one finger.

“Hello?” Jane answered.

A familiar voice was on the other end of the phone, panicked and breathless.

“Listen very carefully, Jane. We don’t have much time. There’s a man after you. He’s already killed four people. And he’ll kill you too if you don’t stop him.”

“Who are you? What is going on? How do you know my name?”

“Because, Jane…I am you. The future version of you. But if you don’t stop this lunatic, both versions of us will cease to exist. Your present and future self will be erased.”

There was a sudden knock at the door that made Jane’s blood run cold.

“That’s him, isn’t it?” she whispered.

“Yes,” Jane’s twin said. “Hang up and call the police. Then go to the kitchen drawer and get yourself a knife. The one with the white handle.”

The knocking at Jane’s door turned to pounding.

She hung up and frantically phoned the police. Then Jane did as she was advised and retrieved a large kitchen knife from the top drawer, the one with the white handle.

The pounding continued as the crazed Ravensville Slasher rammed the door repeatedly with his shoulder. The lock could no longer endure the stress and the door splintered around the knob and swung open.

He was a tall, husky man, dressed all in black. His face was shrouded by a black ski mask with no mouth hole, only two holes for his piercing gray eyes. He clutched a sickle in his left hand. Jane was terrified, but she managed to stand her ground. She gripped the white handle of the knife tightly and dared him to make a move.

“Come and get me you son of a bitch.”

He charged across the living room, swinging wildly with the curved blade of the sickle. She moved out of the way just in time and ran circles around the couch, the killer giving chase. She ran around the whole living room, attempting to tire him out, but the man showed no signs of relenting. So she bolted for the front door, but he sprang towards her, the sickle slicing down her back, cutting deep.

She spun around as he raised the sickle again. She grabbed his hand as he tried to drive the sickle down, the blade mere inches from her face. She struggled to force the curved blade away, and managed to get one knee up, striking him between the legs. The sickle dropped from his hand as he crumbled to his knees.

She summoned all her strength to ram the kitchen knife into his chest, retracted it, then stabbed him again. And again. And again. She didn’t stop until his body was riddled with stab wounds and the beige living room carpet was drenched in blood.

She dropped the knife with a heavy sigh of relief. Jane heard the sirens in the distance. The police were close. The phone rang in the kitchen and she ran to answer it.

“Is it over?” a familiar voice asked.

“It’s over,” Jane sighed. She winced in pain from the deep gash running down her back. She let the phone slip from her and dangle from its cord.

The police were at her front door, staring inside at the body of the Ravensville Slasher. His reign of terror over. Ravensville was safe once again.

The police radioed for an ambulance and tended to a wounded Jane. The police had questions, but those would have to wait. And Jane had questions of her own, like the phone call that had warned her of the attack. Was she really speaking to her future self? How was it even possible? But those questions would have to wait, too…

RED WINE

RED WINE

By Randy Romero

Thirteen years of marriage was more than enough for Rachel Ellis. It wasn’t just Michael’s arrogance or his competitive nature. Everything about him sickened her; from the way he chewed his food, to the tacky ties he wore with his suits. Or how he expected Rachel to do all the cleaning, wash all the dishes, and fold all the laundry.

She might have been able to look past his imperfections and his vexing behavior, if it were not for his infidelity. That was the final strike. Rachel had hired a private detective, who discovered Michael had been having an affair with his co-worker, Cindy. And Patricia in human resources. And Linda, his boss’s secretary. And Annie, his supervisor. And Jackie from the mail room. Michael had been sleeping with half of the office he worked in. And this maddening discovery was all the motivation Rachel needed.

Two drops of poison was all it took.

Rachel had prepared a sumptuous feast that evening, comprised of braised short ribs, roasted red potatoes and baby carrots, sautéed mushrooms and broccoli rabe.

Michael devoured nearly the entire meal before he even touched his Merlot. Just as he was almost finished with his dinner, he reached for his glass.

Rachel watched in sheer ecstasy as her husband took a fatal sip of red wine.

He retched at the bitter taste, and his eyes turned red and teared up. His glass plunged to the floor and exploded into shards. His face turned red, then purple as he clawed at his own throat, struggling to breathe.

“I poisoned your glass when you weren’t looking,” she said, grinning like a Cheshire cat. “If it’s any consolation, it’s not just for the insurance money. This is for every woman you’ve ever fucked behind my back.”

She raised her glass in twisted celebration, drained it in one gulp, and soon she was on the floor with Michael, gasping for air as her face turned as purple as her husbands.

Sprawled out on the floor about five or six feet apart, they locked eyes.

“I guess it’s true what they say,” Michael said through ragged, laborious breaths. “Great minds think alike. You poisoned my glass, and I poisoned yours.”

“Why?” she cried.

“Insurance money. We were going broke. I needed the money and I knew you were sick of me and you’d try to leave me eventually.”

“I’ll see you in hell,” as she took her last breaths.

“Not if I get there first,” he said as his eyes fluttered, then closed forever.

Book Review: THE RAJANI CHRONICLES 3: WAR By Brian S. Converse

Book Review:

THE RAJANI CHRONICLES 3: WAR

BY BRIAN S. CONVERSE

Full disclosure: I have not read the first two books in this trilogy…yet. Having said that, it still didn’t stop me from thoroughly enjoying this expertly written work of science fiction.

A little backstory: Rajani aliens are at war with intergalactic space pirates known as the Krahn. Forced to flee their home planet, the Rajini recruit five humans to aid them in their battle. There’s James Dempsey, a former Detroit police lieutenant, and the leader of the humans. Gianni, the nephew of a crime boss, who tries to hide his shady past from the others. Kieren, Gianni’s love interest. Yvette, who is hiding a secret of her own from James. And David, who may not be all that he seems.

The humans have been implanted with Johar Stones, which bless them with powers beyond their wildest imaginations. The stones are not truly stones. They are symbiotic organisms that give the humans their newfound powers and abilities. Along with their human recruits, the Rajani are also joined by Sekani and Jirina resistance fighters, all united in their fight against the Krahn. Let the war begin!

The book begins with a short recap, to catch the reader up on all that they might have missed in the two previous novels. To put it mildly, there’s quite a bit going on in this book. But I mean that in the best way possible. It’s jam packed with action, adventure, intriguing characters, and unique subplots with unexpected twists and turns. This story is as wildly unpredictable is it is immensely entertaining.

There’s not much more I can say without giving vital parts of this story away. The only question is will the Rajani emerge victorious, or will the evil Krahn conquer their adversaries? Well, there’s only one way to find out: Pick yourself up a copy of this action-packed, Sci-Fi extravaganza and see for yourself! Now I’m going to have to backtrack a bit and acquire the first two parts of this epic Sci-Fi trilogy so I can truly appreciate this exceptional saga.

So pull up a seat, pour yourself a nice big glass of fernta (alien liquor featured in the book), kick back, and enjoy the final part of this brilliant series. This book is a true gift for science fiction fans.

You can find the paperback, hardcover, and Kindle versions of this novel on Amazon, along with the first two parts of the trilogy:

https://www.amazon.com/Rajani-Chronicles-I-Stone-Soldiers/dp/0998796409

https://www.amazon.com/Rajani-Chronicles-Resistance-Brian-Converse/dp/0998796468

https://www.amazon.com/Rajani-Chronicles-III-Brian-Converse/dp/0998796492